I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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