i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
