we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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