He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
