I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i love accidental penises.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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