So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
