so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
