I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
