Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
