Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
