Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
