i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
