The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
