i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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