New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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