They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
