this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
