were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
