Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Shame is for Republicans.
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