Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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