Pregnant stripper...not hot.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
