And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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