Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
