Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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