I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
