Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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