he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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