Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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