At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
