My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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