i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
