i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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