don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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