im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
