No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
