haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
