How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
