Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
