I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
