That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
