Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
