today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
