We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
