Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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