The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He passed out mid-signature
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize