My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
