God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
