I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
