I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
