cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize