Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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