I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
