I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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