Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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