I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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