dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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