I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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