Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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