im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
