I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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