I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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