Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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