Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
