remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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