the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
