I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
