So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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