there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
