Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
